“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains two descriptions: might have, and should have.” — Louis E. Boone

I want to be a troublemaker.

I want to be an innovator, a game-changer, a person who challenges the status quo.

All my life, I have followed the rules. I’ve always stayed in line. I’ve never gotten into serious trouble. Now don’t get me wrong, I like that I have been a “good” girl up until this point of my life, but I feel as though all this staying in line has stifled me from living an exciting, laugh-out-loud, full-to-the-brim, crazy kind of life that I yearn to experience.

But what I am realizing is that in order to become a troublemaker (in the best way possible), I need to take risks. And no risk comes with a 100 percent guarantee that it will work. It wouldn’t be a risk if there wasn’t a chance of failure.

All this standing in line, achieving things according to the rules has made me so afraid. Afraid of that failure that comes with risk. Afraid of the next step, of messing up and never being able to fix it.

All I got from following the rules was success in the most boring and unsatisfying way. Sure I’m proud I finished high school and went to college and did all the work that was required of me in school and did most of it well enough to get high grades and I only missed three classes in my entire college experience. And sure, I feel proud that I graduated from a four-year college in four years with a high GPA and honors to go along with it.

But I haven’t had many major failures in my life; I haven’t taken those risks that make life interesting and worth living. And I feel that at this moment in time, it is a huge disadvantage for me. Well, there is one main part of my life that I have failed at (which I do not feel comfortable announcing to the whole world, or maybe just the few people who come across these words), and even in this aspect I have stumbled and fallen and it has taken an extremely long time for me to get back up and try again.

I have been conditioned to avoid failure and major risk like it’s the plague, and like Pavlov’s dogs, it has worked on me.

The key thing is that we can only get better after we have failed. Without failure, we wouldn’t be pushed to be better, to get up and redo something again and again and again until it’s right and good and will work.

I want to be a troublemaker. Bring on the risk. Because I know my life will be better for it.

XOX OXO XOX

“Hypocrisy is the homage vice pays to virtue.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines. You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows. This is why I am afraid; you say that you love me too.” – Turkish poem entitled “I Am Afraid”

I love it when I come across a phrase or article that resonates with something on my mind, especially since the above poem put into words the idea I’ve had bouncing around in my head about how inherently hypocritical we, as human beings, are.

We say one thing and do the complete opposite. Then, we try to rationalize why we did it to get rid of that nagging feeling we experience when we do something that goes against who or what we say we are. And that feeling is an unmistakable sign that we have done something we probably shouldn’t have, because if what we did was right, we wouldn’t have that guilty, I-did-something-wrong feeling.

There are hypocritical messages throughout the media that have impacted our culture. We, as Americans, love the romantic idea that we should live life to the fullest and do whatever we feel like doing because it might be our last day on this earth.

While that might be true (any day could be our last day), we also are fed the idea that we need to go to college, graduate, find a nice job and be responsible in our life in order to achieve the infamous American Dream.

These two sentiments in our culture clash violently in my mind. On one hand, we should live life without worrying so much about tomorrow, or the next week or the future in general. Yet, on the other hand, we need to make a plan and follow it in order to ensure we live a meaningful and important life.

While in school, I remember sitting in my apartment and thinking, “If I died tonight, I would not want to spend my last night doing this stupid paper or that meaningless homework assignment.” And that sentiment would guide me through a fun weekend, but when Sunday and Monday hit, I needed to refocus and get my work done so that I could be a good student and get good grades, and stay on track with my life plan.

The key thing I have realized from reflecting on these clashing ideas is that, in life, we need to maintain a balance between doing what we want, without thought to the consequences or responsibilities, and doing what we need.

Work through what needs to be done in order to do what you want. Or in most cases, do what you want and then scramble to get what you need to done in order to keep doing what you want.

(I know, this is not a radical idea. Others have certainly thought of this before, but I finally understand it).

My goal from this reflection: To live (at least) one full day as if it was my last, doing whatever I want to do when I want to do it and with who I want.

And then of course jump back into the balancing act that is life.

p.s.-The Turkish poem also makes me really want to throw caution to the wind and run wild through the rain…no matter what!

 

XOX OXO XOX

“If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.”- Elbert Hubbard

It was written in the Constitution of the United States that:

“Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons.”- Article 1, Section 2

As Americans, we actually counted people of African descent as three-fifths of a person.

3/5 of a person.

They weren’t even considered a “whole person.”

xx

How could this have even happened?  How could it be written down in the founding documents of the United States that it was making “a more perfect union” when real people were being treated as though they were beneath the white European males who were running America??

It boggles my mind that human beings could treat each other in such a way that certain people thought they were sub-human. Out of all the things that are different about each and every one of us, being human is our one common denominator.  And to strip someone of that natural-born fact is horrendous.

This statement about the worth of certain people stayed in the Constitution until the 14th Amendment was passed in 1868.  But the sentiment remained much longer than that.

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“The defects and faults of the mind are like wounds in the body. After all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up, still there will be a scar left behind.”- Francois de la Roche Foucauld

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XOX OXO XOX

glee!

I just hit 100 pages in the document that contains all my icons….

this is so amazing!

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I don’t totally understand, but this just makes me feel proud, and that I have accomplished something I wasn’t even planning.  Possibly because I have been collecting these icons for over 4 years and I never thought I would collect this many, nor do this for so long.  Plus, this is the only document on my computer that is 100 pages and I like that it is the one that contains my icons.

xx

Today was a good day.

xx

XOX OXO XOX

absence makes the heart grow stronger…

In order for this whole icon blog thing to keep working, I need to take a hearty break from it sometimes.  Which I just did this past month.  I need to do this- step away from my icons- so that I can come back to them out of interest, not obligation.  I love looking through my icons and finding the ones to make my “icon art.”  But if I do that too frequently, I lose the joy of collecting and looking at them.  But I’m returning to this whole experiment with renewed interest.

xx

So I’m kinda trying to lose some weight.  And I say kinda because I am trying to eat healthier, but I am not dieting nor have I started an exercise routine.  I know if I really want to be serious about this I need to start exercising and limiting what I eat…but all my mind can think about recently is sweets.  Cupcakes, cookies, cake, ice cream…

They look so pretty-how can I resist them??  Plus, I have been in a baking mood, so I have been making these treats, which just spells disaster.

xx

Maybe I’ll just dance off the extra calories….

xx

XOX OXO XOX

all i hear is this pounding in my ears

________________

“La vida es la musica y nada mas….” – Joshua Kadison, “The Rice Song”

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XOX OXO XOX

“she don’t got a lot to say but there’s something about her”

Without really planning it, I took last week off from posting.  And it’s not that I had no time to write anything last week.  In fact, it was quite the opposite- I had plenty of time to write and post, especially in the ample downtime at work, and I had the resources to include icons.  But I hit a block.  All the sudden, I felt as though I had nothing to say.  Not that I didn’t write last week.  Because that would have been impossible.

I need to write to breathe properly…to think and to process. There were thoughts and emotions rolling around in my head that were aching to burst out, boiling beneath the surface of my lungs, caught in my throat only by the tip of my tongue.  They spilled out in words on a page, so that I could continue on.

And while those thoughts are extremely powerful, I don’t feel comfortable sharing them at the current moment.  So I figured I would get back on track with the original goal of this blog: to express who I am through the icons I have collected over the last few years.  And with the new Toy Story movie just hitting theaters, I found it fitting to explain the reasons why I love The Little Mermaid (my favorite Disney movie):

1.)   Ariel sings.  When I was little, I wanted to grow up to be a singer and I loved that Ariel sang.  And she had the best voice of all the Disney princesses, in my opinion.

2.)   “Part of That World” is still my favorite Disney song ever…and I have it on my iPod.  Plus, my sister and I will randomly burst out in song, and this is one of the top songs we chose to sing for anyone in the vicinity.

3.)   Ariel is a mermaid.  I still love being in the water and going swimming, so I think it would be awesome to live underwater.

4.)   Flounder was the cutest little fish, and he was funny because he was such a worry-wart.

5.)   I love Ariel so much more now that I’m older because she is a redhead.  I think it would be awesome to be a redhead.

6.)   Ariel makes the cutest faces in the movie, especially when she loses her voice.  She reminds me soo much of my sister!!  (I swear the animators secretly spied on my sister and modeled Ariel after her)

7.)   You can’t beat the scene with “Kiss the Girl.” It touches on that idea of your first kiss with someone, especially when you have all this chemistry with them and the lyrics are so cute.

8.)   And of course, I love the classic Disney romance.  The handsome price Eric knowing Ariel was the one because of her voice and because she saved him hits that hopeless romantic part of me and I cant resist loving it.

Eric: “Believe me, Grim, when I find the right girl, I’ll know. Without a doubt, it’ll just-BAM-hit me. Like lightening.”

What’s your favorite Disney movie?  Why?  Has it changed since you were a kid?

XOX OXO XOX

as promised

More beautiful words, written by Tyler Knott:

“There’s only one truth:

that I belong in your arms

and you inside mine.”

xx

“How loud must I scream

and what words must I use for

you to hear my love?”

xx

“Every word you’ve said

and every piece of laughter,

I have memorized.”

xx

“I knew the landscape

and the flavor of your lips

before our first kiss.”

http://tylerknott.com/

xx

xx

XOX OXO XOX

take a bite of my heart tonight…

Inspirational quote of the day:

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”- from a poem by Mary Oliver

xx

Plus, I was roaming around Tyler Knott’s blog (http://tylerknott.com/) and I wanted to post some of his beautifully written haiku’s:

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“The only perfect

I could ever hope to be,

is perfect for you.”

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“You’re a passenger

aboard every train of thought

crisscrossing my mind.”

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“When I look at you

and when my hands find your skin,

can you feel my love?”

xx

more haiku’s from Tyler tomorrow…

XOX OXO XOX

Come as you are, but don’t stay the same…

I finally finished reading the fourth Harry Potter book.  I just sat down to read some more of it yesterday and I couldn’t put it down.  And once I was done, I just wanted to keep reading, pick up the next one and stay absorbed in the story of the Boy Who Lived.

I know I sound nuts.  But that’s ok.  I want to be immersed in a different world right now, as mine is slowly sinking, changing, evolving in ways I never thought would happen.  And I’m hanging on until I can get my footing again.

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And it’s so funny because what I need to write about on here, I can’t.  Not because I can’t find the words but because I have already gone over it so many times in my head, that it hurts thinking about now.

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But something less dramatic that has invaded my brain space for some time is that feeling of moving on.  In the sense of leaving a place/time in your life behind to start a new chapter.

I know some people who recently graduated college and some that recently graduated high school.  I have memories of the ladder, and looking at pictures of these friends doing all the activities I did when I was a senior in high school, it brought me back to that feeling.

The sublime, surreal feeling of spending the last few days at a place, doing things for the last time.  Seeing people for the last times, walking those halls as a student for the last time.  None of it hit me on those last few days.  In my brain, I knew I was doing things for the last time; but in my heart, it didn’t sink in right away.  I remember being so excited to be done with high school and to start that adventure called college.  And time passes where the feeling fades, the scenery changes, the time slips.  You grow used to the change.  And now I am so close to returning to that feeling because I am almost done with college (which has been a pretty calm adventure in my experience).

The weird part is returning.  I have revisited my high school several times since graduating, and I had this moment where I was walking the halls with other students and thought “I am no longer a part of this.  This all looks so young.  Everyone looks so young.”  And then the bell rang, and I remember loving that there was nowhere I needed to be at that moment.  No teacher would be looking for me to take attendance.  I could be wherever I wanted to be without getting in trouble or needing to be somewhere else.

But in all honesty, going back helped me really move forward.  Because being in that place, my old high school, it didn’t feel like it was mine anymore.  It’s a part of my past and a part of me, but in the past is where it needs to stay.

xx

XOX OXO XOX